i am so ashamed of you. curse all devils in the world. so disappointed. for someone whom i look up to, just what every teenage girl would need to grow. whom i respect the most. but you're that wonderful girl no more. i dont recognise you. you're such an embarrassment. curse all devils in the world again. what have we done wrong until you become like this? you were the apple of their eyes. everyone loves you mountain high because of your personality. you used to be so nice and outspoken. now you swallow everything down your throat and never want to share a thing. you changed in a blink. you said your friends are different. you're changing to fit into them. being someone that you're not. why choose them to be your friends then? these are the choices in life that you made. now time is telling you its tale, that you've made the wrong decision. yet you're so blinded and ignorant. still leading your life the way you want it and you're just making a fool out of yourself by doing what you're doing. just 19 and your life is already a total misadventure. whenever we watched tv, all those reality movies, real life cases of astray kids, spoiled and broken, shattered homes, destroyed lives, we vowed not to be like them. why back out now? you think you're big, matured and old enough to think? and you're dead sure you're not gona be like them? what's all this? though your choices wont lead to that, its just as bad. being lesbian, clubbing, smoking, chalets almost every week, short sleeveless dresses; easy upskirt, coming home late, or never at all, going out without permission, treat this house like a hotel. they never groom you to be this way. like that. no. because im not like you. whatever you do, reflects on them and you just show how lousy they are at being parents when they shower you the most love. and im a better "breed"? i am sure i can safely say all that because i dont think i want to be like you anymore. treating you as my role model, no. thats my decision. open your eyes and see the bigger picture. you should be ashamed of yourself. its all the decisions you've made. the path of life that you take. the route that you stride on. you're supposed to lead with example. but look at yourself. you grow independently, influenced by outsiders. or again, its just the decisions that you made. making the right decision is so simple, either this, or that. all you need to do before deciding is look forward to what the outcome may be, think about the consequences. guess you never had any time to spare to go through all that trouble, spending time wisely, thinking. you live your life as it goes on. spending time with friends and all. what is family to you? piece of shit? you're a freaking asshole at this part. you spend your time outside enjoying yourself, party everyday while we, those that always stays home had to watch them quarrel about scandal and money. problems at home doesnt bother you, does it? oh, only you have problems yeah, only you in the freakking whole wide world have problems. ONLY YOU. so you need to get out, leave home and find a peace of mind. yes. fuck you. me and others see her suffer, crying every night thinking about him, wondering what wrong she has done, why misery befall upon her and all you do is add on to all her stress thats weighing down on her instead of being there for her and make things better. selfish woman. see how bad karma gona hit you later in life. curse all freakking devils out there! money again, you spend your salary like there's no tomorrow and what you've done now? disgusting. now that you're so broke, you look for us, your family, didnt you? what does your friends do? friends are just tools that gives you seconds of happiness. not a lifetime, unlike family. why are you so ungrateful? that you have a family, not one member less. you're so lucky yet you want more. how greedy can you be? you dare to even do the most despicable thing. are you that desperate? who taught you that? which devil did? CURSE ALL FUCKING DEVILS OUT THERE! you just made our family look so corrupted. really, what a shame. run all you want, the problem is not going to fade with time. thick blankets cant cover it. brush and clorox wont clear away the black mark you created. you are so vandalised. just what went wrong? i hope you spend some time reflecting on your life, yourself, the things you've done, the choices you make, the number of hearts that you break, the people who cared, the people that could die for you for loving you too much. and after that, i hope you cry the shits out of your cells and wake up your idea.

concert was a blast !
stage fright before concert. and i swear, i really, really shivered.
i managed to overcome it and do my best still.
auto mode switch siaa. haha
i did my best. im proud to say im answerable to myself.
after concert rushed home to shower, get my stuff and be gone to ecp.
but, things didnt go as planned. since, my mum dont allow me to go ecp
because my dad is home and she thought i was tired.
lazy to argue and didnt feel like talking to my dad to ask for permission
so i went to bed. ahaha. i know busted.
i told them all i going there but in the end tak jadi. then i leave amirul, sudiana and raimov for nothing.
alarmed my phone at 5am, but i went back to sleep till 1pm. haha
perangai gemok.
head down to ecp and reached around 4pm.
Crystal and Nurul left when i came.
left Jaafar, Khairudin, Afiq, Zuhairi and Thomas plus me. so pathetic kan? ):
then only left ayam and hotdog. and both tasted so funny. with some seasoning that
they throw non-stop.
but its still edible though. finished up the food then Jaafar, Afiq and me
head down to Santi's house to deliver her stuffs.
day one was better. at least thats what i heard. like everyone came.
exclude me and Zuhairi. mr ashley also come siaa. ! so many people ! hmph.
might as well just book one day right ?
chat on msn till 5am. wth. but awesome. seriously. will do that again tonight.
woke up at 1pm. haha pig siaa.
wanted to go out but tak jadi. nono, not that i want.
i was invited to go out. but tak jadi.

i havent touch any of my books yet.
homeworks. F&N and Bio. haiyaaahhh.
will cheong it till finish on friday. ahahaha
school starting soon. and i havent buy any books for next year.
i dont even have my booklist.
i havent buy new uniform. i want a new bag.
im not prepared ):

im craving. for SSSSSUUUUUSSSSSHHHHHIIIII !!
REALLY ! seriously. forced my mum to bring me eat sushi.
haha. gona really have fun tmr! yeah ! eat till im satisfied.
i entertain my cravings like a monster you see.
gagaga

well, my birthday. a dreadful thing to remember.
its on band camp. ),: nevermind. thats okay.
i'm cool. this year will be the last one anyway. hahaha
after THIS year, no more band camp for me !! WEEE !



listen to the beat. can you hear them?
it beats with you. this heart of mine.
everything you do never fail to curve my straight face.
we're so near yet so far.
just pebbles away but you're so far to reach out to.
they say eyes are windows to our heart.
i cant seem to be able to read you.
neither do i think you can.
maybe those claps are really silent.
you see another day gone by,
and we're nowhere close to what i dream for.
i never stop wishing, that those clap will have rhythm and sound.
and what wonderful music we can create, together.
if only your heart beats with mine, too.
i hearts you.


ending here
byebye